Ponderings and Panderings

Today is my last day of work until 2009. Seeing as how all the students are done with finals and have gone home, I have picked up a double shift in the hopes of working 14 hours in one day without answering a single question. Wish me luck.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled last Friday. The pain is starting to subside, but yesterday, my sixth post-operative day, was particularly bad. I think I got a dry socket in the former home of my lower-right wisdom tooth. I guess that's what happens when you decide to self-medicate with certain herbal remedies 24 hours after surgery and only swish with saltwater 4 times a day, instead of 20. Oh well, c'est la vie, it hurts much less today, the ibuprofen is working and hopefully I will not need the vicodin I brought along just in case. I think I'll be able to kick this pain by the end of the weekend. I got dis covered, SON!

The snow today makes me wonder how much GOD really hates Michigan. It's kind of ironic that the day G-Dub announces the $13.something billion loan to the auto industry, GOD decides to drop a foot of snow all over southeast Michigan. It's like GOD and the Federal Government are doing battle over who has more influence over Michigan's fate. G-Dub, "We are gonna save the Amr'kin Auto Industree with thurt-EEN billion dollers in 'mergencee fed'ral loans. Keep on truckin', Mitch'gan!" GOD, "Oh, so you're going to save the auto industry, eh? Well let's see how you like it when cars without spikes in their tires and 4-wheel drive are rendered completely useless! Bwah hah hah hah! I will DESTROY your pesky little human civilization! This is MY peninsula, bitches!!"

Or at least that's how I would envision the conversation... "Coming in 2009.... G-Dub leaves the White House and moves on to tackle the biggest project of them all. You thought the War on Terror was bad? You think Global Warming is being caused by Humans? Well get ready to have your world ROCKED.... Straight from the Heartland of Texas, George Double-U Bush brings us the ultimate fight, the coup de gras, the last-ditch effort, the WAR ON GOD!!!"

Enter press conference: G-Dub, "The Almighty has aligned himself with Al Qaeda in the effort to bring down western civilization. His repeated behavior with these so-called "natural" disasters and the increasingly unpredictable nature of the so-called Global Warming phenomenon has convinced me that God Himself is against us. But His attacks have gone on long enough. America will not tolerate these acts of agression against our values, our people, and the very notion of Freedom itself. Together we stand as a united front against the brutal and unprovoked actions of God, and together we will defeat this threat to our nation. Viva America!"

Or something... Okay, Bush probably wouldn't have said that last little bit. He probably doesn't even know Spanish. Anyways... moving on. Vicadin is awesome. Vicadin plus Ibuprofen is even more awesome. Mix in a little herbal remedies and you've found the secret recipe for destroying all feeling in your body. Last night I was in a ton of pain. My jaw was sorer than Rocko's cock after a long day's work. I had a headache the size of mount rushmore (presumably due to the epic storm front that was coming our way). I was easily irritable and quite snappy. Then I dosed myself in medication and, not 15 minutes later, I was numb to all pain, physical, mental or emotional. It felt great. Then I got a full 8 hours of sleep and this morning, lo and behold, all it took was a couple ibuprophen and the pain has been satiated for the past 4 hours! Score one for drugs and rest. Huzzah!

I've been invited to go drinking tonight with a friend and some of her friends (who I've never met before). I haven't drank any alcohol in probably about a week and a half, so I guess on one hand we could say it's due time for some boozin. Plus I got a phat paycheck today that covered all my christmas expenses and then some, so it's not exactly as if money is a huge object. But then again, I am still recovering from this operation, and alcohol in my system probably won't do much good to help with that. And I'm working at the computer lab ALL day, so maybe I won't even have the energy to go to the bar and be social. I guess we'll just have to see what happens when I get off work tonight.

While we're on the subject of alcohol, let me be clear. I am a very happy drunk. I smile, I laugh, I say yes and end up doing ridiculous things. It's good to be a happy drunk. The only concern is that I might enjoy drinking too much and end up doing it more than I should (read: become an alcoholic). It could totally happen. Sometimes when I drink I can see myself as an alcoholic. It runs in the family. I can drink beer 'till the cows come home and not feel drunk off my ass (liquor is another story entirely). Maybe drinking every night wouldn't be so bad..... No! Not going to happen! Must. Control. Drinking. Habits...

It's all good though. I won't be an alcoholic anytime soon, I've got too much ambition, self control, and other things to occupy my mind. Get back to me in 20 years and I'll let you know how it's going.

Damn! Not even noon and my goal of not answering any questions has already been broken! Damn you color printer........

Ok well, I've run out of things to rant about for the time being, so I'm just gonna go ahead and hit that publish button. Maybe you'll get one more thoughtful post before the New Year. I guess that all depends on whether or not I feel the need to say something.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Er, day. Er, couple of weeks.... Whatever.

Rejected.

The butterflies have been replaced by molasses.
The giddiness replaced by melancholy.
Once again, the object of my desire has found someone else.

It's not that I'm sad she chose this other guy over me. To be honest, I'm not all that surprised. They've known each other for years. They already had something going before she met me. He was there first. It makes sense. Can't leave one knot untied before starting on another.

What displeases me the most is that she preached honesty and full disclosure, yet never told me about this guy in the first place, who, obviously, was a very important part in her life. Maybe she didn't want to complicate things. She said she thought he was going to break it off anyways. But even still, it is a bit ironic, isn't it?

The strangest thing, though, has nothing to do with her. All of the emotions I feel, or should be feeling--anger, spite, self-pity, loneliness, sorrow, rejection--they are all muffled by a strong sense of "well, this happens all the time." Just one more scar on my heart. Just one more reason to not get caught up in women. I have been rejected so many times--whether it be for her reasons or mine--it just doesn't seem to hurt anymore. I know it should, but I can't help the feeling of a recurring pattern. Another one bites the dust.

Maybe the next one will be different? No. Who the fuck am I kidding? Maybe I'm just not meant to find "The One." Maybe I don't have "One." Maybe my destiny is to travel the globe, making women fall for me and then breaking their hearts. Like James Bond. Minus the secret agent bullshit.

I've always envisioned myself eventually settling down and starting a family. But if this keeps happening, I don't think I'm going to have enough of a heart left to love someone enough for that. I know it's pessimistic and maybe even a little defeatist, but seriously. How can someone with no ability to trust or be trusted ever commit themselves to someone for the rest of their life?

Once again the Human Condition has ruined my trust in humanity. Alas, if only we could be completely honest, no matter how much the truth hurts. I will never buy into that whole "I lied to protect you" mantra. Horse shit.

My heart feels like lead. There's gotta be some way, some One, who can heal my heart. I hope I find them one day...

PS, I'm not giving up on my road trip. If anything, it's going to be even MORE awesome and spectacular. Bring it on America, you ain't seen nothin' yet!