Rejected.

The butterflies have been replaced by molasses.
The giddiness replaced by melancholy.
Once again, the object of my desire has found someone else.

It's not that I'm sad she chose this other guy over me. To be honest, I'm not all that surprised. They've known each other for years. They already had something going before she met me. He was there first. It makes sense. Can't leave one knot untied before starting on another.

What displeases me the most is that she preached honesty and full disclosure, yet never told me about this guy in the first place, who, obviously, was a very important part in her life. Maybe she didn't want to complicate things. She said she thought he was going to break it off anyways. But even still, it is a bit ironic, isn't it?

The strangest thing, though, has nothing to do with her. All of the emotions I feel, or should be feeling--anger, spite, self-pity, loneliness, sorrow, rejection--they are all muffled by a strong sense of "well, this happens all the time." Just one more scar on my heart. Just one more reason to not get caught up in women. I have been rejected so many times--whether it be for her reasons or mine--it just doesn't seem to hurt anymore. I know it should, but I can't help the feeling of a recurring pattern. Another one bites the dust.

Maybe the next one will be different? No. Who the fuck am I kidding? Maybe I'm just not meant to find "The One." Maybe I don't have "One." Maybe my destiny is to travel the globe, making women fall for me and then breaking their hearts. Like James Bond. Minus the secret agent bullshit.

I've always envisioned myself eventually settling down and starting a family. But if this keeps happening, I don't think I'm going to have enough of a heart left to love someone enough for that. I know it's pessimistic and maybe even a little defeatist, but seriously. How can someone with no ability to trust or be trusted ever commit themselves to someone for the rest of their life?

Once again the Human Condition has ruined my trust in humanity. Alas, if only we could be completely honest, no matter how much the truth hurts. I will never buy into that whole "I lied to protect you" mantra. Horse shit.

My heart feels like lead. There's gotta be some way, some One, who can heal my heart. I hope I find them one day...

PS, I'm not giving up on my road trip. If anything, it's going to be even MORE awesome and spectacular. Bring it on America, you ain't seen nothin' yet!