Cold and lonely

I have two good friends. They are both girls, and they are both in committed relationships. My only good male friend, while a fun guy to hang out with, is often a huge asshole and really pisses me off. He also lives on the other side of town, so hanging out with him is a bit of a pain. Sure, I know a lot of people, and they all purport to be my friends, but these are the only three people I seriously feel I can connect with. More and more, though, that connection is being lost.

They go off to hang out with their boyfriends ALL THE TIME. I am only secondary, the guy they hang out with if their boyfriend is out of town or on some crazy adventure. I am the fifth wheel on a four-wheel carriage. I don't want them to change, I'm glad that they have good healthy relationships. Maybe I just need to find some new friends.

I'm the kind of guy that, though I may seem like a social butterfly, hopping from event to event, social group to social group, the only situation I really feel comfortable and secure in is with one or two very good friends (or in the presence of a good girlfriend, which is very hard to find). Maybe this is why I'm so sociable, because I'm looking for this but can't find it.

I tried to settle down. I met a girl that I really thought I could connect with and enjoy spending time with, but she doesn't seem to have time for me. Every time I call her, it's always, "maybe tomorrow" or "call me later", which she rarely does. It's been practically 2 weeks since I've seen her, and my rope is at its end. Love hurts--especially when it's one-sided.

So, with no friends, no girl, and no life outside of the Co-ops, I lie here, depressed and lonely. I'm sorry I'm so picky about my friends, and I wish I could just be happy with all of the half-friendship/acquaintances that I have, but it won't be enough until I find someone that I really connect with.

I know that when my male friend reads this, he's going to tell me, "stop feeling so sorry for yourself, you're not the only one who feels this way" or something to that effect. My response is, fuck you, I'm sad, this is my way of venting my frustration.

I have a very strong feeling no one is going to read this...

Haiku

Sitting in the lab
I begin to fall asleep
Wanting to live life

Many moments pass
In the world around me
I do not notice,

I see the long view
Building bridges, making friends
The days pass me by.

Life in the land of anticipation

Do you ever feel like you're in suspended animation? Frozen, waiting in anticipation of great things to come? Doesn't it feel like it's never coming? Just the act of waiting makes it seem like it takes longer. This is where my life is right now. Motionless, hanging on the brink of explosion. Anticipating things to come so much that life as it currently stands feels like it will never go away.

School is almost over. Less than a month to go. While my peers are freaking out about final papers, exams and projects, school for me has become nothing more than a nuisance preventing me from living life to its fullest. I want to go out, I want to drink with my friends, I want to be a productive member of my Co-op, I want to do so many things, and school keeps getting in the way.

Oh, I need to do this reading. Damn, I need to write this 10-page paper that's due tomorrow. I guess I can't go see that show/play/party that you really want to go to.

School sucks. Less than a month, and it's all over. But that's 28 more days. 672 hours. 40,320 minutes. Sometimes it feels like the end will never come.

April 30th. The day of reckoning. The day I leave for my month-long pilgrimage through the depths of the other side of the Western world. Europe is calling, yet it feels so far away. Sitting here at my desk in the computer lab, I can't even imagine what's going to happen on May 1st, when I touch down in Amsterdam at 6 in the morning.

Where am I? Who am I? How the hell do I get downtown? Where's the coffee shop?

My next big project: The Grad Co-op. After several months of waiting for a lazy ad hoc committee to get its act together and select some officers for the house, we finally have an officer core. Less than a week after we got approval, I organized our first meeting and we got some stuff done. Now it's back to waiting. Waiting for holds to expire. Waiting for a hopelessly overwhelmed membership staff to keep going through the waitlist offering rooms to people who have been waiting longer than I have to hear about what's going on. Waiting for people to turn in forms, sign contracts, respond to emails. Waiting waiting waiting. Why can't I just be in charge?

If I were really running the show, I would be calling people, asking them if they even wanted the holds they currently have. I would have plowed through the waitlist ages ago, and everyone would know exactly where they stand. I would get rid of all these stupid bureaucratic hoops that people are being forced to jump through.

Maybe I'm overly-idealistic. Maybe I think I have more energy than I actually do. But right now, all of that energy is just sitting around, waiting. Waiting for a reason to be tapped. And school just isn't cutting it anymore.

So here I sit, listening to classical music that reminds me of Europe (Mozart, at the moment). I know that judgement day will come soon, and pardon my impatience, but I've been patient for 21 years. Goddammit, it's my time.

Power to the Bloggers...

So here we are, once again in blog-land, now with a new synonym. I figured I needed something new, so here it is. There are few things more important to me than Cooperation, but when I compare my views on the subject with others from around the country, I have found that the midwestern version of Cooperation is different from versions of other areas of the country. It's somewhere in between east-coast and west-coast ideas, not quite totally egalitarian, not quite totally bureaucratic. It's tough to explain.

Anyways, I haven't blogged in a long time, and this particular blog may or may not be updated regularly, depending on how much time I feel like spending on it. If you read and comment, I am more likely to continue updating, so if you want to read more of my (probably dry, boring, senseless, etc) rantings, let me know.

Today is Wednesday. This weekend is St. Patty's Day. Connor O'neils is opening at 7 am. I will probably be there (unless things go terribly awry... or I just don't wake up early enough). You should come visit me.

My mind is scattered, and I don't know where to start. Maybe I'll be able to pick something out to talk about tomorrow. As for tonight, remember this:

Life is good, no matter how hard it gets. Enjoy it to the last drop, and make sure to empty the bottle. Wasting life is like wasting good beer, it is simply not allowed.

Stop dicking around and live your life.

~T~